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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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12:58 pm - LAST UPDATE
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Come find me elsewhere. If you know me...you know where. If not...ummmm YEAH
current mood:  aggravated
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(2 smiles | make me smile)
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| Sunday, July 18th, 2004
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11:03 pm
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in high school, i took a journalism class. it was one of the hardest classes i have ever taken, only because she demanded so much of me. i was the slacker who whizzed by all my classes with little to no effort. in this class, we did a lot of writing. we learned a lot of fundamental exercises. i actually participated, and even excelled at times, if only to appease her. one of those exercises is to sit down and just write anything that comes to mind. actually applying that lesson, i sat down at the computer and started typing a little while ago.
Topic? How I feel...what I am...
incoherent
delirious
tired
unwell
annoyed
sad
cold
drained
wasting
tense
confused
yearning
analyze that if you will.
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(3 smiles | make me smile)
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| Friday, July 9th, 2004
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7:49 am - back from hiatus
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It's been about a month since I last updated. I kept away from LJ at first because of some creepy incident but we won't go into that too much. I'll just shrug it off like so many other things that's happened to me and proceed with what I want to do, or what I need to do more-like. If only to bring back part of my sanity.
The past month has been hard on me. I've been stressed, confused, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. It's not something that you can point to and say, "that's why I'm like this." It's almost as if I felt and accumulated all the hardships, all the heartaches, and all the drama I've had within the past few years and crammed it into one minute of my life. Sensory overload, if you will. Since that moment, I've been in a downward spiral of "action & reaction." Everything felt so much more acute. My mind raced every minute of every day. The smallest things would just set me off. I would exhibit that verbally to people as well as on my own. I'd get in my car and drive blindly, while screaming out in anger and frustration. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be clear of people, all people.
In the midst of this, my niece from Cali came to visit. It was fun being around her though it drained me even more. This time more physically. I was tired and cranky which left me on edge. The odd part of the whole thing was that she told me I talked in the middle of the night. Mostly mumbling incoherently but I would do so almost every night. It was funny since I rarely ever do that, or at least I havent heard of any other accounts of such tales. It may just be the extreme mental strain but it amused me to know that I would randomly blurt out things. She left on Wednesday. A short two week trip but it was nice to see how she's grown. She's tall, thin, & trendy. Not the hoochy trendy, but in her own words, "EMO." She talks on the phone constantly and she's always worried about the way she looks. Looking at her reminded me of the joys of youth. When nothing seemed to bother you except what you would be wearing that day. I was like that once. Not too long ago either, but it feels so distant. Almost like a hazy dream that I can barely remember.
My finances have progressively gotten worse. Nothing that is life threatening but it is the worst that its ever been. Generally, this would not be a big deal; especially since I am very responsible with money when I need to be. But with the addition of other factors, this point has become something that is almost unbearable. For the past month, the general topic of conversation at home is "Money." I have never been a person to put much emphasis on money. Not like others I know. Money you can make as long as you are capable, and at this age, I am capable. It comes and it goes. It makes it easier but it isn't the only thing that is important. In the eyes of the other people around me, it seems to be the driving force for them to do things; Some, recklessly spending it while others, worried to death about it. With me, I take it as it comes. But with the reactions of those around me lately, I've been adversely affected. On top of all the other things I worry about, I now can add the stress of money. With that in mind, I must once again reorganize my life to fit necessity.
I just need a break. A break from people. A break from things. I need to run away to some far off place where no one knows me and no one cares to know me. I want to be able to just sit and talk to myself if need be. I just want to be alone. Not alone in my room with 5 people sitting outside in the living room. But alone. No one in the house, no one in the hall, and no one on the phone.
I'm two shakes away from losing my mind.
This Too Will Pass Away
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be ...
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me ...
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that "this will pass away, too!" ...
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all the chains
That are binding me tight in "the darkness"
And trying to fill me with fear ...
For there is "no night without dawning"
And I know that "my morning" is near.
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~
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(1 smile | make me smile)
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| Friday, June 11th, 2004
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6:17 am - *pout*
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I really don't feel too well today. my head is hurting like there is no tomorrow. I did not want to come into work today at all but here I am. I'm beginning to miss so many days. I think its so bad. Usually when I get my headaches in the morning, I suck it up and head into work. With Yen switching shifts with me lately, I am more susceptable to staying home since I'm not needed and the toil is much worse than the contribution. But I've used up a heck of a lot of my vacation hours. It hasnt been like this for a while now. Practically every day I wake up now I get a headache and I bog myself down with so much medicine that I fear it will stop working soon. *sigh* if only someone could come and make me feel all better. If only that were possible. My eyes can't focus now...they're going in and out. OH MY. time to close the peepers for a while...
*sigh*
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(2 smiles | make me smile)
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| Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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6:40 am - AHHHH!!! *pulls hair out from head*
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I love my friends. I really do. Though sometimes I wished I didn't. Don't take that the wrong way now. I say that with the utmost love and respect. I mean they bring so much joy and so many good times into my life that for me to even utter that sentence must have been a mistake. But alas it is not. I really do wish that at times, I didn't love my friends that much. It's simply because had I felt the latter, I would not always be so distraught. I wouldn't really care and things would pass by me, at least in one aspect of my life anyway. But like in all relationships dictated by love,respect and friendship, you kind of take everything they say to heart. Or well, I take it to the head. I over-analyze it until I feel like I'm about to explode from misery...
So yesterday I got home from work and for some odd reason, I got phone call after phone call from random friends. If it wasn't one person, it was another that I hadnt spoken with in AGES. I hadn't spoken to so many people in so long. Most of the conversations were brief save for the last two. One was a "hey how you doing...look whats happening to me" and the other was the "Linda what have you been doing with your life? You're 21 not 40, though you may think you are."
The "hey how you doing" was typical. It was just another conversation around the way and it made me feel accomplished for the day. More so than work or anything else that day. It just felt like I didn't waste my breath. I caught up on a friend's life and I so rarely do that nowadays. That left me more open to the next conversation. The conversation following the afore mentioned was...well, more complicated. It consisted of me being prodded and poked. I was analyzed and "straightened" out.
It's funny how ultimately, all conversations between friends in one's youth directly or indirectly refer to, comment on, or obsess over "relationships" whether romantic or not. Well, this one was no different. It was basically a friend pointing out how introverted I've become. How I've disappeared again. But this time, instead of it being due to me being in a relationship, it's because I'm not. Or some point along those lines. I didn't really know what to say to that. I mean I have been closed off more and I rarely do go out but it feels as though I have no need for it. Its just, what I was lacking before doesn't seem as important. I guess I'm just tired. I feel so emotionally drained sometimes that I don't even want to open myself up to the possibility of being more so. I'm just so ready for everything to be settled, for all the drama/anticipation to be over with. Elders say that the journey is what you remember, yet for some reason, I just want the outcome. I don't even want to know how I'll get there. I just have this wish that I'll wake up one morning being happily married with kids. But life does not work that way as my friend so eloquently pointed out. You only get what you work at. *sigh* So, I pose this question to all those who read my LJ. And I'm sure its not many....How do I find Mr Right (or Mr Right Now, more like) when I keep myself from meeting ANYONE? Any suggestions?
if you don't want to post, email me...mizzleenda@netscape.net
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(6 smiles | make me smile)
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004
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2:36 am
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JEWEL - Hands Lyrics
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands
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(make me smile)
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| Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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7:06 am - I AM SO UNHEALTHY!!! (R.A.Y.O.R. gross entry ahead)
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So yesterday morning I came into work. I was actually awake that morning so I didn't "rest" my eyes before the phones switched over. I just sat there doing this and that. At around 7 o'clock, work started to get busy so I picked up as many calls as I could. By 8 o'clock, I had a slight headache and I was feeling a little dizzy. AT around 9ish, my nose started to bleed. (WTF?)I haven't had a nose bleed in what? 10 years? Not that type anyway. I mean during the winter when the heat is on, my nose does get all irritated and dry which sometimes caused a little bleeding but this was like a great big pool of dripping blood (sorry for being graphic. it was so gross!). It was like someone kneed me in the face. So of course I ran quickly to the bathroom and sneezed out the blood until I felt like nothing was left in MY HEAD! A big chunk of red goo came out of the left nostril. It was long...and GROSS. I cringed at the site of it. I went back to my desk and closed my eyes. That helped my head a lot. By noonish I was all better. So after work I went home, starving. I got home and didn't eat though. At 330, my head was throbbing so much so that I had to take a nap. Vanessa came around at 545ish and by 610 I was at the acupuncturist. He was some korean dood off 236. $30 for maybe 5 minutes of needle placement. I had needles coming out of my eyebrows. I didn't think he did anything for me because by the time I was left, my headache was still there. By 9, I was back home in bed. The headache was still there but I couldn't sleep so I layed there, ice pack on the face. I didn't fall asleep until about 1.
Wasn't that a fun day!
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(2 smiles | make me smile)
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| Friday, May 7th, 2004
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8:54 am - Okay...
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So it's pretty much decided; my parents are officially moving up to PA next week. I have to take the day off to take them up on friday so that I can sign paperwork and get them settled in. It's going to be a long drive home by myself. I guess I have reservations of this whole move. My parents' already are not healthy people and here they are moving 300+ miles away from me. They'll be living with my cousin and all but I'm not sure how it's going to work out. What if something were to happen with my dad? It bothers me that I may not be around. But then there's the Linda's selfish side. I get to come home to peace and quiet. I'll have time to do things like go for a run and jog without having to worry what my dad is doing at home. I'll be a lot less stressed. I know I will. But my family ties seem to be so much more important now...I don't know. I'm so conflicted. I hope it all works out for the best. Besides, it's only a 4 hour drive. Just gotta keep telling myself that.
On another note, I'm getting a phone for my mom. It's all free mobile to mobile minutes so hopefully that'll work out well. I think we may be redoing our minutes and plans also. My mom, my brother and I will all have the same plan. Better that way...cheaper.
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(make me smile)
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| Thursday, May 6th, 2004
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10:07 am - Halstead...
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Okay, so I went to the preview party for Halstead yesterday. It was at McCormmick & Schmidt's in Tysons. If you don't know, Halstead is a new condo complex they are building in Merrifield/Dunn Loring, next to the Dunn Loring Metro station. It will be a two building complex with about 430 units. The preview party was set up to "clue" people in on the process of buying condos there and what the price range and condo fees were. The company provided people with food and drink while people would browse . Understandably so, there was a line around the block on to the side of the street when I got there at 530. Luckily I had some friends already in line so I blended in with them. We waited about 5 mins or so before I decided to just cut in line and walk up to speak with one of the representatives. The line was actually set up for people who wanted to go in and grab food and drinks. The Representative was kind of rude to me. It must have been he thought I looked young and couldn't afford the condo. I was a tad bit offended but if you think about it, I do look young. So, after asking some questions I made my way inside. I didn't want any drinks but the seafood looked divine. The line for the food was so long that I eventually gave up. So after getting some more answers, I walked myself on out. 4800 people who signed up for the condos, 430 places. I don't think I'll have a chance, but it's always a possibility. I'll be taking a home equity or personal line out of my house. Just not sure about anything yet...Cross your fingers for me.
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(4 smiles | make me smile)
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| Monday, April 26th, 2004
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6:05 am - BLAH!!!
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I don't know why I allow people who perpetually make me feel bad to have such an effect on me. I don't know why it seems to be like that with almost every guy that I've had in my life. They either find me too reserved, too detached or too uncaring. I don't think I'm really any of that, not completely anyway. I may not show you that I care in a conventional way, but that doesn't mean I don't. AND I HATE BEING DOUBTED! If I say something, I mean it. ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I leave very little of that to the imagination. I just don't verbalize my feelings about someone every waking minute of every waking hour like some girls do. It's just not me. But when someone comes to me and says that he's given so much and waited so long for nothing, well, it kicks you in the ass. And not only is that bad, it has to come in the form of an email. Can you be any more impersonal!?!?! Makes me so mad when I think about all the half hearted things this person has said. It's not like he just met me. It's not like he doesn't know how I am. I confided in the person. He's heard of every ripple in my relationships. Every big splash. He's seen me pull away from people because of similar issues. What could he want from me that I have not already given or offered? Sometimes things arent meant to be and we cant force it. What I offer is all that I can give. I won't force something that I don't feel. I refuse to.
I wonder at times that saving this friendship may not be worth it in the end. Is the end point really worth the journey?! I guess you have to go with your gut. But I know that my gut feelings have been wrong in the past. They've taken me down roads where I walked away, hoping to never look back, and sometimes to not even remember. I've always thought of myself as a rational and empathetic person. I just don't know if I can hold on to something that may be harmful to both parties in the end. Maybe for once, I'll do the right thing and let it go. Maybe I'll stop being selfish and stop hurting someone because he means so much to me. I should start talking to people about their problems again. Maybe it'll take my mind off of my own. Problem is I need to find people with problems. And when you need them most, they're the hardest to find.
All this BS has been on my mind since mid-morning Friday. My mood changed so drastically that morning that I even noticed it. I had to change my tone at work because I didn't want it that evident. I couldn't help thinking of it all weekend. It didn't help much that Friday was such a long day. I went for a walk to clear my head and still couldn't. I went for a talk with a friend and that didn't help. I even played some poker but when that ended, I was plagued again. It made me feel so sick to my stomach that I didnt want to go home. I tried laying there listening to someone talk. It didnt matter what it was about. I just needed to hear something other than what was in my head. But like with all things, people are not receptive when you force them to do something so I just went home to try to sleep.
Saturday wasn't much different. I layed in bed and thought of it all over again while going in and out of consciousness. I was relieved when my mom asked me to take her to my cousin's place in PA. Anything to get me away from here I guess. I drove 5 hours up and 5 hours back in the span of 24 hours. My cousin wants my mom to move up to PA instead of CA. If she were to, she'd be moving sooner than I thought she would. I dont really know how I feel about that. I mean part of me wants the peace and quite when I come home but then with my dad the way he is, I don't know if she can handle being with out my help on that respect. And should she move up there, that pretty much means I'll be driving up a lot. Most likely by myself too. That's a large undertaking for me. But I don't mind driving. It gives time for you to think.
It baffles me how I can bring so many complications on for myself. I wonder sometimes that i don't subconsciously choose the more difficult route. I don't know why but it feels like i just want to be miserable.
With all that in mind...I'm so very tired of talking about relationships. I'm so tired of wanting one. I haven't met anyone who has ever made me breathless and until I do, I refuse to settle again. Even if I do love the person. I don't want to love the person, I want to be IN LOVE with him. Enough said. So if you don't feel me. Screw you!
current mood:  contemplative
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(6 smiles | make me smile)
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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1:11 pm - GHETTO!
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So, I was doing laundry late one night. I guess I forgot that my last load was in the dryer when I went to sleep. The next day, I went to the laundry room after work and BAM! Someone stole my JEANS! WTF!!??!??!?! It's funny how people are. Sorry. Just had to share.
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(4 smiles | make me smile)
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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7:18 am - *sigh*
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I went through one of my moments yesterday. I, well, scratch that. I went through one of my days. I woke up to a very heavy heart. It wasn't because something triggered anything within me but I was just haunted. I layed in bed, frustrated with myself. I don't know why, but I've let go of a lot of things that I used to think, was me. I let go parts of myself that I valued and loved. It's hard to look at yourself in a good light, let alone be able to point out your attributes. I was able to before. But when I step back and look at myself now, it's hard. I mean, ultimately, I am a nice person. I really am. Yet there are times where that eludes me. I wonder at times if life hasn't killed off the optimistic little girl who loved everyone and everything. I have always been a blunt person but I was never the type to dislike anyone and be mean. I do that now. I dislike people. I hold grudges and I resent. Especially at work. I know it's wrong of me. I know it is. But it's hard for me to accept what I put up with sometimes from people.
Every Sunday, I stay home to chill and rest. I want to be able to just be by myself. I wasn't really able to yesterday so that may be a contributing factor to all this BS running through my head. I wanted to not be "around" yesterday. I didn't want to see anyone, just to gather myself. I didn't know how to hold a conversation or even how to be around people. It made me jittery, fidgety. Yesterday evening I closed myself off in my room. I opened the window and blasted the tv. I didn't want to be around anyone. I just needed that alone time. It worked for a while but I was still feeling the effects of my weird mood.
By midnight I was aimlessly staring out of the window. It was a warm night. Beautiful in all respects. The sky was not clear though and I could not see any stars. Actually, I was not able to see any but one. One single star in the sky. It was amazing. I could see every twinkle. I could see every breeze that passed it through the sky. It hit me all at once. I made a wish and realized that a lot of what I found wrong with myself, I had the power to fix.
I am going to make a conscious decision to be a better person. I will drive away all my preconceived notions of people and how they are. I will give them a chance to prove themselves to me. It is true that I am rigid in my convictions. But when it comes to people, they are always so ever changing that it should not matter. I want to be able to take people as they come now and not how they were 10 mins ago, a day ago and especially not a year ago. I want to be healthier and happier. I want to be able to do things again. I want my independence back. I want to be able to do things on my own yet be around people again. I want to get my thirst for learning back. I want to enjoy people's company for more than lil slits of time. I want to find going out appealing again. I want to find a need to make new friends. I want to find my old self. I'm so tired of being a shell of a person. Those that I used to have a good repore with I no longer speak to that often. I say hi to people and it feels like saying hi to strangers. Up until yesterday, I was attributing it to age and responsibility. It's more than that. I'm hiding. Hiding from who or what, I don't know. But I'm hiding from myself as well.
Soon, you'll see a change in me. A happier more outgoing Linda will appear again. I'll pick up jogging and sun bathing. I'll go to libraries and read the news. I'll regain the parts of me that I lost. Promise.
Well, starting tomorrow. I'm still kind of down today.
"you are my happiest pain"
current mood: contemplative
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(1 smile | make me smile)
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| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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6:08 am - All work and No play makes Linda a dull girl.
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Your Horoscope for April 13, 2004:
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Just when you thought things were getting a little too serious for your tastes, the universe has arranged for a delightful distraction. Remember all that stuff about 'work and no play' making Jack a dull boy? It applies to you, too.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. I've been dying for a vacation so hopefully that's what it means. I just need a change of scenery. I love the feeling of the open road, I love the feeling of the unknown, and the feelings I've had lately are far from what I love. I feel encapsulated. I feel as though everything in my life is perfectly in place for the next 50 years. Mortgage, car payments, commuting from work to home. It's so sad. My mother spoke to me about buying a single family house. If I can hardly handle a condo, I don't know about a single family house. I reminded her that I was 21 and that I had time. She laughed it off as though she had forgotten my age. I wonder sometimes that my mother doesn't actually know that I am 21. Many people my age don't take on this much all at once. My budget gets pulled so far that I wonder at times if it's really enough. So, I resort to looking for a second job. I'm not that serious about it yet, only because I'm still floating. But once I start to sink, I'll be sure to have something lined up. That's always how it works with me.
So, each day I come into work, I either search for a part-time job online or I search for vacation packages. I can hardly afford it at the moment but just the thought of it makes me giddy! So I look and dream; I look and wish. One of these days I can just see myself saying f-it and running off somewhere for a week. I can definitely see that. But I am much more reasonable than that so I will content myself with working until I can afford it or until I find a man who wants to take care of me. (HA!!)
*Side Note* I do want to be taken care of you know. No matter how much I protest. I want to have someone tell me that if I can't make it, he will make sure that I do. But I also want to be self sufficient enough to take care of myself should I need to. That's where all the "I don't need you" attitude comes from. It's not actually, "I don't need you," it's just I want you to know that I don't need you if it comes down to it. I will make it anyway :)
Blah, as you can see, I'm getting lonely again. I see errryone of my friends making plans with their other and I'm making plans with no one. I don't really always mind though. It's just that I could use an other sometimes. Even if I'm not ready for the guy. Everything with me implies the term "tread lightly." I am the equivalent of a thin sheet of ice over icey water. If you're not careful, you'll be submerged. And being over your head with me never works out for the best. So, take things slowly and watch if the ice cracks. Should it start to, take two steps back. When you reach the other side, jump right in. I'll be ready for you then.
HAHAHA! Does that make sense!??!?! It must be the morning air cause sometimes I wonder where all this crap comes from :)
current mood:  groggy
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(make me smile)
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| Monday, April 12th, 2004
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5:48 am
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Your daily horoscope for April 12, 2004:
...Don't let your natural independence alienate you from someone you want to keep in your life.
Ahh! Too late. It's actually become a habit. BUT, if you can see through it and stick around, I promise to make it worth while...well, someday~!
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(make me smile)
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| Thursday, April 8th, 2004
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9:20 am - BLAH!!!
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So I went to AC over the weekend. At one of the tolls coming back, it asked for exact change, 50 cents. Of course we had it so when I dropped it into the bucket, it said that it was 5 cents short even though it was 50 cents. I was already in motion at that time so I just drove through instead of reversing to put back the 5 cents that was already there but did not register. When I checked my bank acct today to make sure that my balancing was correct for the month. Low and behold, there was a change for 3.68 on my acct from AC parkway! WTF?!?!?!??!? I would contest it but that is way too much effort for 4 dollars. I hope I don't get any points for it cause I sure as hell paid. What to do what to do. Any advice people!?
Yesterday was, well, annoying. My brother brought his car in to the shop because the heating coil was flooding his interior. It ended up being 300 or so dollars to fix. We had hoped that it would be done by the time he had to leave but it wasn't so I was stuck driving him home. Lets say 2 hours bumper to bumper one way and 1 hour back is not the best thing to be doing when you're tired and cranky. 3 hours of me in a car holding my pee! I was not a happy camper coming back. When I got home I was so tired my body didn't want to move yet it was another 2 1/2 hours before I fell asleep.
Read this and thought it was amusing. Might as well. I know! I never do this.
15 Years Ago, I:
1. Was a happy 6 year old living in CA
2. Lived in a house across the street from a park mommy took me to each night
3. Went down to Little Saigon or Chinatown every weekend with the extended fam
4. Lived and breathed Chinese Fighting Movies and Wrestling! (Go Hulk Hogan!)
5. Stopped wearing dresses and climbed trees and wrestled with the "boys"
10 Years Ago, I:
1. Was 11 years old and moved from Cali to VA
2. Was already pretty developed
3. Aced all my courses and actually cared about school, well, sorta
4. Was crushed on for the first time but hated him for it
5. Started forgeting Viet
5 Years Ago, I:
1. Was 16 years old going to Jefferson but skipping all the time
2. Went clubbing for the first time at 2k9
3. Was courted by a hairy hairy man who did not know what no meant
4. Ended up working at Siren's were I hoochied out, a little
5. Started realizing what a hassle relationships truly were
3 Years Ago, I:
1. Was 18, working at Champions
2. Made good money and spent and saved it as I wished.
3. Stayed out to the wee hours of the morning drinking and partying
4. Went on spontaneous trips EVERYWHERE with EVERYONE
5. Was in a relationship I was not ready for
1 Year Ago, I:
1. Was 20 years old and bought a condo
2. Owned up to more responsibility than I wanted to at the time
3. Started driving on long road trips: NY, Chicago etc
4. Stopped drinking almost completely
5. Realized that being along was much more productive than being with someone.
Yesterday, I:
1. Got up early and made it to work early
2. Decided to take Friday off as a sanity/spring cleaning day
3. Got home but was prevented from napping
4. Drove my brother to Baltimore, in traffic for 3 hours
5. Slept before midnight for the first time in a while.
Today, I:
1. Got up with a stomach ache and gas
2. Called around for price quotes for my cracked windshield
3. Chewed the same piece of gum for more than 2 hours like a cow
4. Dreamt about a vacation on a cruise
5. Nodded on and off all morning
Tomorrow, I:
1. Am going to skip work for a sanity/spring cleaning day
2. Will donate clothes to Good Will or the Salvation Army
3. Will figure out something to wear for Vinny's bday in adam's morgan
4. Sleep in.
5. Take a long walk, weather permitting!
current mood:  full
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(1 smile | make me smile)
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| Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
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8:17 am - BURRR!
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I'm getting weary of the weather. It's warm one day and cold the next. My feet feel like ugly popsicles at the moment. I even put a blanket over them yet they are still shivering. Like I've said so many times before, I'm not cut out for the cold. I need sun, I need warmth and I need open air. I want to go hiking! Well, given that the weather improves of course, but yes, hiking. Anyone game?
I've been really tired lately. Fatigue sets in when you're not active I guess. It's a little hard to be when I have to take care of my dad. It's really draining actually. I don't really sleep either, so it's kinda like a double whammy. I should start running outside when it gets warmer. At least I can get myself moving again. Maybe that'll bring back my energy and zest for sleeping. I need it. I want it...
The past two days have been gruelling. I've gotten into two big fights with my mother. She brings the absolute worse out of me and I can't help it. I tell myself each night to hold my tongue but it's so hard. She just knows what buttons to push. It bothers me. I mean I don't hold a grudge against her at all and she doesnt against me, so I guess in the long run its not so bad. It's just the things I say sometimes. We both have that type of personality to have the last word. I want it when I have a point and she wants it, well all the time. She is the queen of backwards thinking but I love her for it. I guess it's true. The best type of relationships is the love/hate one. Well, hate is a strong word. Lets say love/can't stand relationship. Though that sounds funny, it's much more accurate. She makes me want to pull my hair out each day yet it wouldn't be the same without her. Weird, I know.
Work has been annoying. Certain people just make me mad. Their faces make me mad and when they come over towards my general direction or even into my line of sight, that makes me even more mad. Okay, so its not people. It's actually more like person. He's very ummmm, how can I put this delicately? Screw it! He's just plain old slow and stupid. Not only is he slow, he has the type of attitude that doesn't like to own up to things or to finish what he's started. I was following through with a ticket that he had done and low and behold, it's wrong. So I asked him to take a look at it. The man has the audacity to ask me what I want him to do with it, giving me the "AND!?" look. Had I not been at work and had he given me a millimeter more attitude, I would have screwed his head off. But alas, we were at work so I bit my lip and sat down. He's been giving me a lot of attitude actually. That's were the dislike comes from. Blah...maybe it'll pass. If it doesn't, I'll find a new job.
I watched Under The Tuscan Sun the other day. That's a cute movie. Parts of it appealled to me and other parts just seemed too ridiculous. Well, maybe that's because it had a lot of female tendencies in the movie that I don't have. But a lot of what was in the movie struck me as being close to home. Watch it ladies, you'll like it.
Other than all those random spews, I haven't really done anything. April's fool Joke, AC trip but thats about it. I need my sleep. It's really cold in here. And that man is talking. DAYAM! even his voice bothers me. I need a vacation!
current mood: annoyed
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(3 smiles | make me smile)
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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6:35 am - SLEEPY SLEEPY SLEEPY!
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I'm sitting at my office cubicle and the walls seem 30 feet tall and looming. The lighting seems to be dimming each minute and my eyes droop a millimeter every time I blink. I AM SO SLEEPY!!! I haven't felt like this in a long time. It must be the chill in the office. I feel it more acutely today then in the past few weeks. I'm such a bear. When I feel cold, I just want to hibernate. Hope it's a slow day. I really don't feel like dealing with too much of people's shit! That was all random thoughts on a subject, I know. But it happens when you're going in and out of consciousness.
ANONYMOUS POSTINGS...
I've gotten them before so it's not a surprise but if you could, can TRY to attach a name? My memory is bad enough without having to add to my already immense paranoia. I've really had bad experiences with "odd, obsessive" people and would really appreciate the gesture of identifying yourself. THANKS!
Hope my weekend is okay. But what can you do with limited funding?
current mood: sleepy
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(6 smiles | make me smile)
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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7:15 am - Okay, what kind of crack was I smoking?
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The last entry I wrote did not make sense at all. I must have been on my "I'm lonely" trip cause I don't usually make that little sense. I'm relatively intelligible. REALLY, I AM! Okay, to clarify....
A) The Chinese movie was very entertaining but the ending SUCKED. The girl I was rooting for didn't win and that blows. I think that was basically what I was saying about the movie. All that spew about love was probably just a by-product of my delirium. But like I said, first love is rarely ever your last. And should it be, more power to you. As for me, I'll wait until I fall in love to really set my opinion.
B) I saw the music video for Maroon 5 again last night. He does look kind of cracked out BUT when he's holding the mic and singing? That was HOT. Probably his height, lanky body and clothes but whatever. He's still no Brad.
NOW BRAD'S JUST BEAUTIFUL There's really no other way to say it.
I went to a job interview yesterday. It was for a part-time position after I'm off at Seneca but I was shaking in my boots. I think the guy interviewing me sensed it. I'm not sure whether I got it but from the feedback I got, it was very positive. The establishment is very nice though so instead of coming to Seneca wearings sweats, I may need to dress up all day. Hopefully that will kick me out of this whole sweats and a tee shirt vibe. I think it's even hard to get me into jeans these days. BOO! Anyway, the position would open some more doors for me hopefully. Teach me a trade or what not. So, anyway, cross your fingers for me and hope that NYL hires me.
I was talking the other day to a friend. We were just sitting there conversing about this and that. He kind of scolded me for not being around but it's hard when I have so much on my mind. Always worried that a check would bounce or that something would happen. We caught up on all the particulars and I guess he understood where I was coming from more. He said that I looked 16 but spoke and acted like I was 25. I guess I am pretty settled now. Everything is falling into place for me. My next step is to open up a business. I am my mother's daughter and won't be happy until I've had something succeed in that respect. It's funny cause I've had conversations like that with a lot of people. They all seem to think I've grown into my own. Don't get me wrong. I was responsible before but I didn't have much to own up to, so I could run off at any chance and spend money like there was no tomorrow. Today, I feel guilty for going to eat out (GASP! I know!) I feel guilty for buying a 10 dollar purse. It's crazy how I've changed. Glad but not.
current mood:  distressed
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(1 smile | make me smile)
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004
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10:01 am - Movies...
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I stayed home this weekend and vegged out watching chinese movies. I watched a whole series in 1 1/2 days. It was so addicting, even up until the end. The ending kind of pissed me off though. The movie was ultimately about first love vs passionate true love. The movie decided to not choose a "perfect mate" and all three involved were left to be alone. That was just not the correct ending to the movie, in my opinion. It was such a disappointment. The first love was basically living in the past. They took the feelings and experiences of years ago to build a relationship. The passionte one was forged together by all the trials and tribulations. To me, the latter seemed to be more strong, more real. It reminded me of the Dawson's Creek Finale. I didn't see the show, but from what I hear, Joey picked Pacey over Dawson. To me, that made sense. First love may be strong and it may have lasting power, but it doesn't captivate someone as much as turbulent/passionate love. It doesn't make you want to better yourself. I guess I lost that whole idealistic aspect of my youth. And that's saying a lot. Because if you knew me back when, you'd realize how idealistic I was. My first would be my last. What a crock that turned out to be :) I have still yet to truly be in love. I've loved. But that's no surprise. I used to have high opinions of everyone. Operative word is USED to. Eh, enough of my spewing about that. Who cares anyway.
Oh BTW, is it just me or does that Maroon 5 lead singer have a "je ne sais quoi" aspect to him? Watched the "This Love" Video and was totally digging on him. I LIKE IT!
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(2 smiles | make me smile)
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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11:39 am - HAHAHA!
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okay, I can squeeze you on Tuesday the 23rd. Dinner? Bring your wallet. I have expensive tastes. HAHA Miss you too!
**update**
SQUEEZE you IN not SQUEEZE you (Like gag me with a spoon)
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(2 smiles | make me smile)
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